Withering heights: future mother-in-law's attack on fiancee goes global

Martin Evans, Peter Hutchison, London

July 1, 2011

Carolyn Bourne ... sent her future daughter-in-law a scathing email. Photo: Channel Ten screen grab

London: As any bride-to-be knows, establishing good relations with your future mother-in-law is vital to ensuring a happy wedding and a harmonious married life.
So when Heidi Withers received a stern email from her fiance's stepmother, accusing her of a lack of manners, perhaps the best course of action would have been to send an apologetic reply and to endeavour to mend her ways.
Alas, what she chose to do was to forward the email to some friends who, amused by its abrasive tone, decided to give it a wider audience. In no time at all the email had reached tens of thousands of readers.

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Problems began when Ms Withers, a 28-year-old personal assistant who lives with her fiance Freddie Bourne in Fulham, west London, visited his parents at their home in Dawlish, Devon.
Following the visit, Freddie's stepmother, Carolyn Bourne, 60, a celebrated horticulturalist, apparently fired off an email to her future daughter-in-law accusing her of being uncouth.
The message read: ''It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.'' It added: ''If you want to be accepted by the wider Bourne family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste. There are plenty of finishing schools around. You would be an ideal candidate for the Ladette to Lady television series.''
The email said Ms Withers's behaviour had been so rude that it had left the family dog, Bomber, traumatised, depressed and anxious. It also accused her of staying in bed too late, complaining about the food, cracking inappropriate jokes about the family and failing to send a card thanking ''Georgia'' - believed to be a family member - for her hospitality.
In addition, Mrs Bourne apparently criticised her future daughter-in-law's plan for the wedding: ''No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity-style behaviour. I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters' marriages.) If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.''
And in a stinging pay-off, she apparently remarked: ''One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.''
Mr Bourne, 29, who runs an online bicycle shop, would not comment on the email but conceded the matter had been discussed within the family.
Mrs Bourne also refused to be drawn on the content of the stinging email. Ms Withers was keeping a low profile and there was no sign of her at the flat she shares with her fiance.

Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:

To: Heidi
Subject: Manners
WHEN you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something. You do not remark that you do not have enough food. You do not start before everyone else. You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.
When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms.
You should never ever insult the family you are about to join … You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why.
No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity-style behaviour … it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.''
Telegraph, London