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Editor’s note: Very many people have sexual fantasies but few enjoy fetishes. The difference between a sexual fantasy and a fetish is that a fantasy is something you spend a lot of time thinking about in your head. A fetish is something you actually do in real life, usually after experimenting with different sexual fantasies, it soon becomes something you need present for you to ‘get off’ or reach orgasm. Our relationship expert, Ian Isherwood, explores seven of the most common fetishes.
Sex is intimate and personal. As a nation we don’t talk about our own sexual experiences openly, but given the chance, we have no problem talking about other people’s sex lives.
Let’s all take a minute and stop focusing on other people’s sex lives and let’s turn our attention to our own. Do you really know what turns you on in the bedroom? What gets your blood pumping, your eyes popping and your mind working overtime just at the thought of doing something with your partner?
The truth is, we all have different things that turn us on, but not enough people explore them and they remain a fantasy for life, never becoming a reality.
Take a minute and think about the first time you had sex. Chances are you were shy, very innocent and had no confidence in what you were doing or what was going to happen. The good news is everyone pretty much sucks the first time they had sex, but what happens after that day is different for us all.
Can you genuinely say you are fully satisfying your fantasies and sexual desires?
Sex gets better as you get older
Like most things in life, sex gets better and more satisfying the older you get and the more you do it. Image: Red Pepper
Like most things in life, sex gets better and more satisfying the older you get and the more you do it.
Your confidence grows, your mind opens and you might have started exploring your own or your partner’s fantasies as well.
While most people are happy simply having ‘normal’ sex, a few times a week, repeating a handful of their favourite positions and keeping things safe by only having sex in their own house or the occasional hotel room while on holiday. There are others who we like to call the ‘explorers’. These people don’t limit themselves to only a few positions; they turn their fantasies into reality.
These individuals choose to ignore social taboos and stereotypes. They chose to think for themselves and at the same time explore their sexuality and fantasies. Resulting in them finding their fetish or fetishes.
Open your mind
With every new sexual partner you’ll learn something new about yourself. If you’re lucky you might be dating or married to someone who is sexually experienced, confident and open-minded. They already know what they like, what turns them on and will happily help you find out what your fetish is.
Sex might still be a taboo subject to speak openly about, but we’re all doing it. If we spoke about it more, we would all realise that we are not all that different.
Those who are brave enough to explore their sexual fantasies and find out what really turns them on will take their sex lives from 0 to 100 in seconds.
Sexually confident people know what turns them on, they know what they want and that should be admired. They are free to enjoy their sexual fetishes.
Sexual fetishes are perfectly normal and OK. We should not be ashamed about what we like in bed.
Let’s explore seven of the most common sexual fetishes and find out why so many people enjoy doing what they do.
1. Swinging or group sex
Group sex might not be talked about openly, but dig a little deeper and you’ll find it in every major city across the world, including Nairobi. However according to Project X organisers, the event was not to be a sex orgy. Image: Project X
Sex parties and swinging can be found worldwide, from exclusive high end invite-only sex parties in London to Kenya’s very ‘Project X’ that was shut down in March 2016. Group sex might not be talked about openly, but dig a little deeper and you’ll find it in every major city across the world, including Nairobi.
Just like in ancient Roman and Greek times, sex parties have been around for thousands of years. Usually extremely private and exclusive event organised by high flying professionals and the super rich.
Individuals taking part in-group sex or swingers parties will indulge in sex with other couples and other individuals with full consent of both parties.
A common fantasy for many, but in reality most people lack the confidence needed. Resulting in jealousy, low self-esteem and issues with trust.
We’ve all spanked our partner at some point, even if it’s just a gentle smack on their bums. But people who enjoy spanking require more than just one gentle spank.
With the right amount of pressure and frequency to a specific area, usually the lower softer part of the buttocks, an area known to have heightened sensitivity (an erogenous zone) will result in arousal and help the person reach orgasm faster.
3. Latex, rubber, leather
Rubberists enjoy wearing as well as dressing their partners in tight material, usually latex, rubber or leather. Image: Ian Isherwood
‘Rubberists’, as they like to be called, enjoy wearing as well as dressing their partners in tight material, usually latex, rubber or leather.
Often associated with bondage and dominatrix, the smell, look and touch of the material turns them on.
This fetish can range from wearing full body latex cat suits to the more unusual gas mask.
Pornography is the most common way to fulfill voyeurism, but live sex shows and dogging is also common. Image: Fotolia
This fetish is when someone gets sexually aroused by observing people who are naked, disrobing, or engaging in sexual activity.
If you enjoy watching people have sex or staring at naked bodies, then you’re considered voyeuristic.
Desire to watch others in sexual situations is common and not in itself abnormal.
Pornography is the most common way to fulfill this fetish, but live sex shows and dogging is also common.
Orgasm is usually achieved by masturbating during or after the voyeuristic activity. Voyeurs do not seek sexual contact with the people being observed.
Being in a healthy long-term relationship is awesome, but it’s easy to get stuck in a repetitive bedroom routine sometimes. Why not try out a bit of sexual role-play with your partner?
From doctors and nurses or teacher and student to the handyman, role-play is a great way to spice things up in the bedroom and have some fun with your partner.
Usually role-play is between two people, but can involve more. Each person will decide on a role to play, dress up, and act out a sexual scenario. You must stay in character from start to finish.
Apparently you can now also do this online as well, thanks to modern technologies. But let’s face it, nothing will beat the real thing.
6. Foot fetish
The majority (roughly 90%) of foot fetishists are men, who like to smell, touch, kiss, lick or just look at well-kept and clean feet. Image: The Fusion Salon
What body part turns us on the most? In first place we have the breasts, then comes the bootie, closely followed by feet. That’s right, clean, soft and sexy feet.
Perhaps one of the most common and innocent fetishes out there, the majority (roughly 90%) of foot fetishists are men, who like to smell, touch, kiss, lick or just look at well-kept and clean feet.
Foot fetishists might also enjoy shoes, socks or stockings.
7. Domination and submission, aka BDSM
If you’ve read or watched ‘50 Shades Of Grey’ then you’ll know a little bit about BDSM. Image: Ian Isherwood
If you’ve read or watched ‘50 Shades Of Grey’ then you’ll know a little bit about this subject, the Hollywood version anyway.
BDSM, as it is also known, stands for: bondage, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. Individuals who enjoy this erotic fetish will usually play one of two roles, a strong dominator (aka Dom) or a submissive.
Either one-on-one or in large groups, each person will play their role that involves an exchange of power. Dom’s will control their submissive, telling them what to do and the submissive must follow each order or be punished.
When two (or more) people have a BDSM encounter, they will usually set a safe word, a word that anyone can say to stop the action.
BDSM has a huge variety of different activities, from dominatrix and erotic role-play, to fluffy handcuffs you can buy online or the more extreme dungeon set-ups.
Explore your own fantasy
Most people, especially those in relationships, won’t talk about fantasies let alone explore their fetishes. They are afraid of being judged by their partner.
However, if you start slowly and communicate with your partner, then you can start to enjoy a more sexually fulfilling relationship.
Our brains are all wired differently, what works for one person won’t do anything for someone else. We must explore and find out what we like as individuals and as a couple.
Don’t be afraid of what you heart desires, if you keep it caged up it will only lead to growing resentment and eventually betrayal on your partner.
All the above fetishes are 100% legal for everyone aged 18+ and of course everyone involved must give consent.
There is no shame in exploring different fetishes. Remember we all enjoy different things, so don’t knock it till you try it.
Ian is the founder and CEO of DateMeKenya.com. He is an online dating expert, dating coach and has over 11 years of experience in the industry. Follow Ian and his DateMeKenya.com journey on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @DateMeKenya
This article expresses the author’s opinion only. The views and opinions expressed here do not necessarily represent those of TUKO.co.ke or its editors. We welcome opinion and views on topical issues. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org.